WE TREAT PUPPIES BETTER THAN CHILDREN – ERICA KOMISAR

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The recently published School Readiness Survey reveals concerning findings: approximately 30% of children in the UK are entering school unable to perform basic tasks such as using the toilet, playing appropriately, or listening to a teacher. These troubling insights prompted me to speak with Erica Komisar, to better understand how her work on parenting and attachment might help address these critical issues. Erica is a psychoanalyst and author of the influential book “Being There”. I encourage you to watch the full interview online to fully appreciate her thoughtful analysis.

In “Being There,” Erica explores how crucial the physical and emotional presence of mothers is during the first three years of a child’s life. She explains that a child’s mental health and resilience are profoundly shaped by secure attachment, with evidence clearly indicating that “the children who were doing the best were the ones who, even if they had imperfect mothers, had mothers physically and emotionally as present as possible.” Erica underlines the reality that children’s fundamental emotional needs “don’t change because society shifted over a 75-year period.”

Erica directly addresses the economic pressures that often push mothers quickly back into work, arguing passionately for policies that allow parents to prioritise their children’s developmental needs. She highlights that in the UK, while significant sums are spent on institutional childcare, families themselves rarely receive similar financial support. Her suggested solution is simple yet powerful: “If you took the monies that you put into institutional care and you gave it to families”, then this would enable mothers to stay at home if they prefer.

She makes a powerful analogy, noting that breeders refuse to separate puppies from their mothers prematurely due to the harm caused, yet society readily places very young infants in institutional care. Furthermore, Erica boldly states that corporate structures typically fail to support women who wish to raise children: “Corporate structures are terrible for women wanting to raise children because it means basically you’re working for the man, and when you’re a mother you can’t work for the man—you’ve got to work for yourself.” She controversially but compellingly suggests that women who want to have children should not work in big institutions, advocating instead for entrepreneurial or flexible roles to accommodate parenting.

Erica concludes by emphasising a profound truth: “For relationships to be healthy, they have to come first, not ego.”

At C4M we recognise the immense value of strengthening family bonds and protecting the foundational role marriage plays in raising resilient, emotionally healthy children. We must urgently return to recognising the unique value, contribution, and importance of mothers. Restoring real marriage is crucial for re-establishing healthy parenting and child wellbeing. Erica’s research powerfully highlights that reaffirming one-man, one-woman marriage is foundational for ensuring children grow into resilient, emotionally secure adults.